Think I'll get a good reference?

Not that I care.  

I lasted 4 1/2 months at a place that turned out to be a frat-house.  Guys flashing porn pics, day trading, playing FPS in the open, screaming and cussing, and not a clue how to do software dev.  They tried put me full-time on a CMS project and I told them to shove it.  

Plenty of leads in the job market.  Three onsite interviews this week and a lot of calls.  Most interesting one was a well funded startup with an open-office.  I get led in, wearing my wing-tips and suit and tie, and see a guy in cargo shirts, t-shirt, and no shoes on, not even flip-flops.  Immediately took off my tie and sat there for four hours doing a gang bang of interviews.  Probably should have left after the manager in the first interview said she knew the manager at the place I just left.  I didn't flip her off, but I am sure that word got around :-)

But the open office thing is weird.  Too quiet and no privacy.  Anyway, got turned down today.

Then I interviewed with this Russian guy (I am pretty sure Russians hate Hungarians like me).  He started waving my resume around and saying "All these jobs, I don't like this!  I don't want someone who will be here 6 months and leave!!"  Douche.  And that guy also knew that same manager from my last place.  WTF? 

So those two gigs won't be happening.

But all of the sudden these assholes are calling me a job hopper because I've been consulting and contracting for the last 20 years.  Never mind that companies in the last 5-7 years have been downsizing, merging, and re-orging like crazy.

Anybody who has been at the same place for the last 5 years must be a serious ass-kisser and collaborator.

So, I've decided to go all slumdog on my resume.  Change dates, add bogus skills, hype and fabricate shit.  Nothing outrageous, like 25-yr. old Kumar with 15 years of ERP experience, but basic shit that I can BS past in an interview.  

The companies lie to us, so we need to do the same.  Maybe the slumdogs were on to something.



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Comments (15) -

Kuwait Anonymous
April 26. 2014 21:18

" So, I've decided to go all slumdog on my resume.  Change dates, add bogus skills, hype and fabricate shit.  Nothing outrageous, like 25-yr. old Kumar with 15 years of ERP experience, but basic shit that I can BS past in an interview.  

The companies lie to us, so we need to do the same.  Maybe the slumdogs were on to something."

  I like that. At last Americans have understood what Indians are.
  I have been warning and warning consistently NOT to trust Indians. So messed up and so convoluted , my heart pines for the peaceful moments I had there with few good ones like my father , his parents and my brother. And those Temples and Spiritual Ambience but my head warns me not to forget the ground realities ever.
  For decades governance is based on religious lines. Converted christians and certain others plus well connected hindus seldom get punished . The same anomalies one finds in Police force also. It is the devils called politicians who decide what the Police should do.
  I had written earlier about a converted christian student getting acquitted for sodomy and murder in Chidambaram Annamalai University. The victim was a Hindu.
  He changed his name and get up and very much in circulation. Now comes another person a hindu who was apprehended the other day for killing another female colleague.All working in IT industry (BPO call centers whatever is the name today). So casually it is being reported the same person has killed another girl also in front of many BUT got acquitted. None of these would feature in their resumes. And fellow Indians would never alert you Americans also.
  Indians have long forgotten what is right and what is wrong. Evangelicals are to be blamed SUBSTANTIALLY for their overzealous itch to "uplift , convert and empower" by foul means disregarding their CREDENTIALS , eligibility. Today there are many crypto christians also. Bearing hindu names and all tell tale signs but FAKE. It is these FAKE ones who have long been calling the shots in India.
  When one points out they scream "casteism....oppressed repressed underprivileged....." .
  ONLY NOW so very belatedly we the people have come to know through some newspapers that one such allegedly oppressed repressed underprivileged caste belonging politician from BIHAR called Ram Vilas Paswan with a large number of muslims as his vote bank and who has been having a say in governance for several years is NOT AT ALL oppressed and UNDERPRIVILEGED and POOOOOOR as alleged all these decades. He sired two grown up girls through his first wife legal wife ; abandoned her calling it a divorce/separation and marrying another woman giving birth to few more illegitimate creatures that constitute these allegedly booohooo oppressed that caste this caste thus devouring concessions , reservations in jobs , education FREE doles , lots of CASH included.
  This is the ONLY secret behind lots of indian parasites unwilling to relinquish playing caste card. Take away ALL privileges inserted in the rotten constitution of india by one such ill informed heavily BIASED IDIOT called ambedkar. Who belatedly owned up he wrote it to please the BRITISH colonizers.
  If THAT oh-so-poor no idiot would be able to find a mate and keep producing carcasses after carcasses. If THAT poor how could they FEED the carcasses given birth to???

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United Kingdom Mr X
April 26. 2014 22:43
Mr X

Hi Tunnel Rat! Funny you mention fabricating false credentials.
I started doing that this year. I got the idea from the slumdogs as well.
As I mentioned before, I am a C++ dev trying to move to greener technologies.
3 years ago I started studying python at home, and last year got my first python gig. Python is a very nice language, but is still viewed as a tool for geeks so the pay is not as good as Java or .NET .

I quit the gig last december, and started studying both Java and .NET at home.
Then I thought, at my age there is no way I can land a Java/.NET gig, without years of experience in my resume. So I simply forked my C++ cv into a Java cv and a .NET cv, replacing C++ with buzzwords from the said technologies.

wadda you know. In 3 months I got 2 interviews for senior .NET developer, and 1 for mid Java developer, with 0 months experience in any of those. In 2 of these interviews no technical test was made, and I was very comfortable in the face to face with just 3 months studying. In one of the .NET jobs they gave me a technical test to do at home before the face to face. The test was a bit hard for my current knowledge, but still doable. I did not do it because I simply don't do these technical tests that take several days, not even for C++, because it's too much work when you don't even know if you will be hired.
I presented an excuse that I was not interested in the job anymore.

Moral of the story: I have not break into .NET or Java yet, but it seems easy to do it with a fake cv. Don't feel bad for faking your credentials, the dumb corporate middle managers, that turned programmers into a commodity, WANT to be lied to. They want the guy with 10 years experience for the price of a recent graduate. Google "law of requisite variety": some slumdogs are technically ok, some slumdogs are truly competent, both competent and incompetent slumdogs cheat, if you don't cheat, even if you are competent, you will be in disadvantage.

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United States Rat Pack
April 26. 2014 23:09
Rat Pack

Sorry to hear about getting fired; what were the reasons?  I know you hate clueless bozo IT managers but it's never a good idea to publicly burn a bridge like that; you said yourself you had two interviews that the manager knew your old manager, so it can bite you in the ass - even if they're dumbfucks you shouldn't tell them off like that (but hey post about it here so we can read how stupid they are!).

Also anyone who calls a contractor/consultant a job hopper is a clueless idiot themselves.  Contracts aren't always long-term, and a consultant is often on a per-project basis so of course you're going to have lots of small gigs.  Can't you tap into your own stuff and become your own consultant?  You can talk the talk and at least you seem to be able to walk the walk, so isn't there a market for someone like that who can get shit done without all the BS?  Maybe tap into your Marine background with it; no-nonsense consulting services.

Anyways good luck with finding a new gig, Rat.

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United States Tunnel Rat
April 27. 2014 00:48
Tunnel Rat

No worries -- the two managers were collaborators at Experian, a notorious curry den here in SoCal.  The non-Indians that manage to leave there are like concentration camp survivors, that is why they stick together and keep in touch.  They don't really know how to hire or screen candidates, but if they get a thumbs up from one of their buddies, you are in, but probably not in a good place.

As for the reasons:

HR does a "culture check" after 90 days to see how new employees are fitting in.  They get you in a room with the other newbies and go over your personality inventory and ask if the company is exceeding your wildest expectations.  They actually have CCO - Chief Cultural Officer.  If you don't gave rave reviews about your experience, they schedule you for a one-on-one follow up with HR -- essentially an interrogation.  The CCO is actually a spy for the CEO.

So I told HR everything.  About the foul-mouthed SVP who walked around with a t-shirt that said "COITUS" on it...and the coding in production...and the security vulnerabilities and how I could load the entire production database full of people's tax returns and driver's licences on a thumb drive and sell it Eastern European identity thieves...

...and how the SVP of COITUS once held a dev meeting with a female Sharepoint admin present, and on his desk was small refrigerator magnet given to him as a gift by some primadonna developer that had just come back from Europe, and on said magnet was a picture a classical statue, something like "David" but not the whole statue...JUST A CLOSE UP OF THE GROIN...and this VP would look at the cock and balls and snicker, and then look at the female Sharepoint admin, who was visibly uncomfortable, until I finally suggested that he put that thing away...

...and how the SVP of COITUS once stopped in the middle of a scrum to pull up his E-Trade account, checked the charts, and started placing buy and sell orders...

...and that on any given afternoon, if you walked around IT, you would find the department gone, but their calenders were open and there were no meetings scheduled...THEY ALL WENT TO THE FUCKING MOVIES...

...Oh, and BTW, all the VPs talk shit openly about the CIO, a frumpy old bitch who is merely a figurehead, and they have endearing terms to describe her, like "scatterbrained bimbo"...and how one VP was demoted from CIO, but still calls himself the CIO on his LinkedIn page, and how this guy is also a car dealer who actually sold a PM a car, and when that car turned out to be a lemon with a voided warranty, he told this PM to go ahead and try to sue him, and see how long she lasts at company...and how this VP was holding a meeting in his office, and pulled up some porn and told everyone in the room "check out the tits her!"...

So HR assured me that they have a strict non-retaliation policy, and when my SVP of COITUS started giving me the stink eye and putting me on shit projects, I knew I was fucked.  I told HR that this is not my first rodeo, and I wasn't about to take their shit, and BTW, I have more dirt to share with the CCO...and they fired me on the spot.

And you are right -- I need to go work for myself, but freelance consulting is shit now ...checkout Craigslist and you will see idiots wanting you to build a FACEBOOK clone for $100 or "equity"

I'll keep you posted...

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United States Rat Pack
April 27. 2014 02:25
Rat Pack

Wow that's some bullshit.  Sounds like quite the hellhole, Rat.

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United States PolishKnightUSA
April 27. 2014 08:31

It sounds to me like there's grounds for a lawsuit there.  If there's a non-retaliation policy and they retaliated against you, then there's action for fraud and whistleblowing.  In addition, if they badmouthed you then that's cause for a slander suit.

The problem is that with even easy cases I have asked employment lawyers, they always try to just milk me for money so finding a good one is hard.  They only like easy cases (like a grope and grab or a minority getting fired by a white racist boss.)  They hate ones that are based upon general bad employer behavior because those cases require some actual work and thought.  

Still though... you ought to hire a third party screener to call your former employer and see if they badmouth you and say false things over the phone.  A third party is essential since you can use that in court of law.  

Here's the way to avoid being labeled a jumper and even getting an advantage so listen up.  Open up your own 1099 corporation and if you're married, get your wife to do it as a minority woman owned business (google: Elizabeth Pocahantas Warren for her scam using dead Native Americans to get special breaks.)  Then get your wife's business certified as a woman only supplier.  Then have all of your work for the past 6 years under her firm and have her answer the phone.  Give contacts for all the work you did (a co-worker whose trusted) and make sure your linked in profile is up to date demonstrating the legitimacy of those contacts.

Then have your wife submit your work for contract work as a minority woman owned business supplier.  You go to the top of pile buddy.

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United States Foodboy
April 30. 2014 11:41

Don't forget to add that fake PhD degree from some "University" (e.g., snake charming pit) in India that no one ever heard of.

Also, when exiting an interview like that, ask them if you can use the restroom on the way. A quick #2 on the floor in the stall will send them a message.  What message? It will make them feel like home, they'll probably call back with an offer.  Especially if a few horse flies have laid their maggots on it by the time it is discovered

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United States Foodboy
April 30. 2014 11:50

I worked at a defense company in San Diego, almost all American, but one Dalit who had somehow got a clearance and was hired.  Although 2 levels below me, on the first day of work he decided that he should be my "boss", especially when he found out my pay was about 40% greater than his (which I let him know, just to piss him off).  He really tried to insult and do me in any meetings, although one-on-one he was terrified of me.   I left the cess pool for other reasons, but not before my after hours (working late) adventures were accomplished in my final couple of weeks of employment.

These were, regularly stepping into his open office late at night and taking the quick tinkle on a pile of his books, software listing, etc., piled along his disgusting curry den of an office.  I'm sure by the end of those two weeks, I'd left my mark on the Dalit's precious pile of books.  But funny thing is, by morning (each morning) all was dry, and he didn't even seem to notice--I guess the odor brought back fond memories of home.  

But I know, finally in the last week, he called facilities to report that he thought a rodent or something in his office.   Never did make the connection between my pee and his stinky books.  Fortunately, I was out of there into a much better job before he caught on, if he ever did.

It still feels good to this day, although I can't believe I would ever behave like this.  But these Dalit's weren't around in the first 20 years of my career.  Only regret is I didn't add a little curry powder to the urine pools.

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United States Tunnel Rat
April 30. 2014 12:19
Tunnel Rat


Rock on, Insurgent, rock on!

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Kuwait Anonymous
May 1. 2014 12:32

It has just been reported that of all the allegedly fifty and odd "reputed engineering colleges" in Tamil Nadu even one student has not been able to clear the first semester.

It is well known lot of medical and engineering colleges are actually owned by various avaricious politicians and/or their relatives. Only with a view to making quick and easy lucre as they solicit "donations" called capitation fees. And India is going nowhere as quality of teachers , professors , doctors have all deteriorated considerably. Even a few dedicated Teachers/ Lecturers should they point out the mistakes of the students have been getting killed or ruthlessly attacked by the students. Human rights industry is thriving in India too. Who lunge forward to support the unruly students.

Indians are extremely violent and untrustworthy.

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United States Bob
May 4. 2014 15:34

One of the reasons I bust my rear; this thing will fall of its own weight.  

There will come a day when the stock market will crash, and the federal government will be forced to stop spending on entitlements, and companies so strapped for cash will carefully pick their IT and, looking at the long line of failures from outsourcing outfits, will abandon them.  Do you want some basement dwelling fuck, or do you want an actual professional.

Silicon Valley is about pump and dump stocks more than any one other thing.

Yeah, there is a wild side to the career, but that's about going above and beyond when SHTF, not when building things.

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United States uscitizen
May 5. 2014 09:35

LOL LOL BwhHahahaha...

Tunnel Turd,
The fun just started for you. Do you think faking a resume is not going to expose you ?? There are far more better ways to find out about someone than trusting a stupid resume.

You are naive. Thanks for the entertainment you continue to provide.


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