Tunnel Rat posted on June 27, 2007 17:22

As the my team huddled tenatively around the DVD player, I played the scene from Casino where Sam (DeNiro) fires the redneck running his slots. Classic DeNiro...

Sam: Now you're insulting my intelligence. What's the matter with you...?
Redneck: I think you're overreacting.
Sam: Listen, you fuckin' yokel. I've been carrying your ass ever since I got here. Get your ass outta here.

 

I let the scene play out for a few more lines, and turned off the DVD.


Get your ass outta here!
Godamn, I wanted to say those words to Charlie, and the TAC also. In fact, I wanted all of them out.

"Man, I love that movie," I told the boys, smiling. They looked back at me, shocked. It was like I had just shown them a hard-core bestiality video. Fuckin' pussies.

I leaned against the conference table.

"Now, don't get me wrong, nobody's getting fired. But I do need to make a few things clear. We got a lot on our plate, and there's huge pile of work to be done by the end of the year. So I just want to let you guys know that I'm counting in you..."

Silence, and some shoegazing.

"...And I've been in places where companies lost faith in thier development teams. It happens quickly, and it ain't pretty." I scanned their faces for any hint that I was getting through to them. Nothing. I was embarassing them, and they didn't like it. I continued anyway.

"I've seen guys tapped on the shoulder, and then never seen again. I've been in shops where they outsourced the whole operation to Indians -- guys I liked to work with were kicked to the curb..."

"What, is there uh problem?" Burning Man asked.

"No, not yet, but we have a lot of work to do." I checked the clock -- I only had a few minutes left before I lost the conference room.

"Oh, and one more thing -- this company has a pretty good deal going for some of you guys with this 9-80 deal, and I'd hate to see someone on my team cause them to pull that privilege." I needed to let them know that I was on to their shit -- their coming in late, leaving early, and in general, being royal jerk-offs.

Charlie rolled his eyes. Mr. Coffee looked like he was running late for his daughter's basketball game. The TAC was confused. The three Asian guys all had something in common -- they weren't listening.

I have a theory that most Asians think white guys are stupid. I mean, after all, while most of my cracker friends and I were trying to score some good bud or fingerbang Suzy Rottencrotch, guys like the TAC were cramming for a Trig exam. Most didn't even get laid until they were well into their twenties. I don't think the TAC had ever even smelled pussy. So, by default, I was some kind of idiot in there eyes, unless I proved otherwise.

The tree hugger spoke up again. "What, is somebody on this team taking advantage of that policy?" whined Burning Man.

"No, just a heads up." I started packing up. "Thanks a lot guys."

Now, I don't care of someone comes in, kicks ass, bitches and moans, but generally, gets the damn job done. They can work two hours a day for all I care. But these clowns were far from productive. When they did get something done, it looked like a stinking, runny pile of feces...

...the TAC, with his stored procs that had more lines than the manuscript for Infinate Jest...

...Mr. Coffee, who built an entire web app with hard-coded links to a stylesheet that resided only on his computer, and then did nothing when the CIO called to inform him that he could see nothing but a black page...

...and Burning Man -- with his pretty hair, CD collection, and ignorance of the most basic IT concepts...

..and Charlie...fuckin' Charlie...

Hiding, dodging, slacking, engaging in all sorts of mastrubatory coding exercises that accomplished nothing -- I was sick of it. And I've been carrying their sorry asses since I got there, and like DeNiro's character, I was tired of it. I was ready to get my weekends back and my life in order. By then I didn't care what my team thought about my antics. I was in full frontal assault mode, and I was going to clear this damn tunnel.

The crap had started to seep into my family life again. The night before, after several glasses of wine at dinner, my wife and I had gotten into it after I started bitching about work.

"What is with you?" she had asked. "You get these jobs, they work you to death, and everybody you work with is an asshole. Maybe you're the one with the problem!"

Well, she did have a point -- I was an asshole. But I got the job done. These guys on my team where assholes, and got nothing done. But that was about to change.

I just had to make an example out of one of them, and Charlie was it. And that train had left the station.

When I came in the next day, Mr. Whiteboard called me into his office.

"Don't worry about Charlie anymore," he told me. "Everything will be taken care of next week"

Fuckin-A! Now we're talking, I thought to myself.

"Thanks. Look, I'm sorry about all the trouble I've stirred up. I appreciate your support."

"Ok," he said. He stared at me blankly. The meeting was over.

I was stoked. Charlie was on his way out. I could get some things done now. And since the Online Query App was out the door, I wasn't going to have to work this weekend. I called my wife and made plans for dinner.

When I came in on Monday, Charlie's cube was empty. The little snake didn't even say goodbye. Maybe he was escorted out of the building on Friday. He was sure worthy of it.

But now, I had to clean up his shit. All of his unfinished work would need be prioritized, rescheduled, and eventually, coded, mostly by me...

...I had to buy some time from Ferris and the other stakeholders. Man, it was a lot, and then there was that Suicidal Caller thing that the clueless, gayish CIO wanted done...

...and that Archive tool...

...and I had to get the TAC back on track...

...plus, Burning Man was going to have to set up the new servers by himself, after he learns what IIS means...

My phone was ringing -- it was the HR lady.

I got fired that afternoon.

It was like I had chased Charlie deep into to the tunnel, had him cornered, and at the last minute, he pulled the spoon on a grenade that blew both of us up.

I saw the ad for my old job on Dice the next week:

Title: Supervisor, Applications Development
Skills: VB.NET, ASP.NET, SQL Server
Tax term: FULLTIME
Pay rate: Market

The ideal candidate will have experience supervising the work of others as well as knowledge of developing and making changes to applications in Microsoft technologies such as ASP, ASP.NET, C#.NET, AJAX, VB 6.0, MS SQL Server, Web Services and XML.

Examples Of Duties: This position will provide first level supervision which involves accountability for assigning, coordinating and evaluating the work of subordinate staff.

1. Develop and make changes to applications in Microsoft technologies such as ASP, ASP.NET, C#.NET, AJAX, VB 6.0, MS SQL Server, Web Services, XML etc.
2. Design and develop, with the help of DBA, MS SQL Server database objects (tables, stored procedures, functions, etc.)
3. Develop software that meets requirements and provides desired functionality.
4. Work with consulting group and technical resources to analyze requirements and define solutions using Visio, Visual Studio etc.
5. Test implemented software changes to ensure functionality, stability and scalability.
6. Develop and deliver required technical documentation.
7. Participate in project and design meetings.
8. Resolve complex technical issues.
9. Follow defined software development methodology.


Mr. Whiteboard was going to have hire another SAD.


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