tunnel rat posted on June 25, 2007 16:14

Gee, I must have pissed off some CEWPs (Curry Eating Wage Pirates), because the day after I posted my last blog my ISP got hit with a massive DOS attack that shut it down for a few days.

Now, I’m not pointing any fingers, but it wouldn’t surprise me if some CEWPs in Bangalore or some other open sewer of a city in India got together and slammed my ISP’s servers after reading my post. That would be typical of a culture that spent their time and energy developing nuclear weapons instead of fixing their decaying infrastructure that forces men to piss in public urinals in full view of female passerby.

I can’t believe these offshore companies are even trying to recruit American programmers in the U.S. I keep getting calls from thick-accented Indian recruiters with unpronouncable names, wanting me to work on contracts on the other side of the country. And if you mention that maybe working for Indians may not be the best scenario for an America developer, you are met with outright indignation, albeit in broken English. Maybe they are starting to get some push back from American clients who find themselves forced to deal with shoddy programmers who can barely speak English.

And evidently, the Indian diet evidently has caused some issues in the American workplace, as this post from Craiglist’s best shows.

But enough about the CEWPs – I need to wrap up the
TCTSRN thread.

Six weeks into my gig at that non-profit, where I was SAD (Supervisor, Applications Development), I finally had my chance to get rid of Charlie.

We had launched the Online Inquiry App, and it took all of a day for the Senior Business Analyst who gave me the specs and tested the app to figure out that it was broken. Like, major security, HIPAA violations broken. Like, anyone could see confidential patient data which they did not have authorization to see. It had something to do with the hacks buried in the login process. Easy fix, and it would only take a few minutes to correct the issue.

But there was one problem -- I wasn’t around when they found out about the bug.

I was spending the day in Leadership For Results training class with a bunch of ladies, and one or two male middle-managers, doing role-playing games and other worthless exercises dreamed up by HR consultants.

By the time I got back to the fourth floor that afternoon, all hell was breaking lose. Mr. Whiteboard was running around dealing with some other production break, and the analyst filled me in about the nature of the Online Inquiry App problem.

“Did you tell Charlie?” I asked her. As worthless as he was, he could have fixed the bug pretty quickly.

“Yes, I told him this morning.”


“I haven’t heard,” she told me before rushing off to put out another fire.

I made my way over to Charlie’s cube. He wasn’t around. Neither were Mr. Coffee, or the TAC. It must be Starbucks time for the Asian developers, I thought.

So I decided to wait in Charlie’s cube. I prepped for an ambush. Lock and load, bitch.

He showed up five minutes later. He looked freaked out when he saw me sitting on his desk.

“Hi Charlie.”

He said nothing as he scurried to his chair. The cube was small and L-shaped, and I was on one end looking over his back as he logged in. I had a good field of fire.

“How are we coming on that production problem?” I asked calmly.

“Wud problem?”

“You know. The Online Inquiry App.” His computer screen opened up, displaying a bunch of code that was part of his “Massive Architectural Framework” that I had told him to stop working on.

“Uh, I dun know. I havend look ad id.” He started shutting down windows on his computer, hiding his work.

“So we have a production break, and you’ve known about it since this morning, and you haven't looked into at all?” I triggered the Claymores and initiated the ambush.


“What’s the deal? It looks like an easy fix,” I told him.

“Why you giving me heat? I dond do nuding unless you tell me.” He was returning fire.

“Don’t you think this a serious problem?” I was laying down rounds in full-auto.

“I dun know.”

I started putting down some covering fire and securing the perimeter. “How about the server migration project? Where do you stand with that?”

He tried to outflank me. “I still working on dat.” He showed me a half a page of worthless specs.

“That’s all you got?”

“Uh, I don’t think I like this…You giving me heat.” He was withering under the barrage of small arms fire.

I was done bullying him. Yeah, I admit, I corned the little creep and pushed him around a bit. But I wanted to let him know that goofing around and taking leisurely coffee breaks when things were blowing up was not standard operating procedure. He was using my extensive oversight of his work as an excuse to do nothing.

But he was too clever for his own good. I had layed a trap.

Nothing intentional, but I had taken a legitimate production issue and his lack of response to it and used it too my advantage.

I had enough here to pen-fuck Charlie.

I went back to my desk, fixed the code, and rolled it into production. Not like I had to worry about a QA department to test the fix or anything.

With that fire out, I went to the HR portal and found the CAR (Corrective Action Report) form. Six pages of red-tape, but the first step in documenting Charlie’s wayward response to things. I was doing things by the book, just like the HR lady had suggested.

I got set for the next ambush. Charlie’s days were numbered.

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