I’ve got the blogging bug again, and now I have some time to finish the saga of my jobs at SIAN (Sweatshop In A Nightclub) and more. I can’t wait to write about how was able to extort $6,000 of unpaid wages from a bankrupt dot-com that tried to stiff me. I told you, I am like the Zodiac Killer, emerging from periods of dormancy to inflict terror, or in my case, politically incorrect rants about the work I do.
I’ll get to that soon enough, but for now I wanted to fantasize about being able to send a real resume to a prospective employer. We all know I.T. resumes are bullshit, so what if I didn’t care, and could just be honest with folks. It would look something like this:
Eye T. Grunt
Bumfuck, FU, 66666
· Yada-Yada High School 1 – Expelled after driving ’72 Pontiac
through school fence. Twice.
· Yada-Yada High School 2 – Graduated with B Avg. Started
· WhatEver Junior College – Dropped out after 1 ½ years of
taking engineering classes. Learned how to program in BASIC and flunked
Beginning GPA: 3.5. Ending GPA: 2. something.
Custom cabinetmaker, draftsman, installer – 2 years:
· Learned how to operate power tools under the influence of alcohol. Held five
jobs for various companies run by rednecks and burnouts. Fired once for wrecking company truck by getting it stuck in a drive-thru car wash.
Commercial cabinetmaker, salesman for general contractor – 4 months:
· Underbid jobs in order to not get fired and finally terminated when invoices came in. Moved back home and signed up for Marine CorpsLate 1980’s to early 1990’s
United States Marine Corps – 6 years:
· Infantryman, Humvee driver, anti-tank assault-man, radio operator.
· Slept in dirt, carried huge pack while getting dragged around by handset. Disciplined numerous times for things like sneaking women into barracks and drinking on duty.
· Achieved Expert on rifle range after a night of no sleep and excessive beer consumption. Learned to walk for eight hours straight with a 60-lb pack and a hangover, while chain-smoking.
· Busted to Private after getting hit by car in Korea while on liberty and charged with multiple violations of the UCMJ. Restricted to ship for 45 days with loss of pay and extra duty.
· Spent nine months overseas during Gulf War I. Jumped into stolen Humvee with three other Marines and drove from Saudi port to Kuwait City to take pictures of dead enemy after cease-fire. Almost court-martialed after telling big black Gunnery Sergeant (AKA, ‘My Boss’) to “shut the fuck up” after night of drinking in Dubai. Charges dropped. Awarded Combat Action Ribbon.
· Promoted to Corporal and transferred to Marine Corps Air Wing. Got desk job buying supplies and computers for military training academy after being disciplined for writing nasty letter to the Commanding General’s Office. Learned how to fix computers and write Excel macros.
· Awarded Good Conduct Medal, Navy Achievement Medal, and promoted to Sergeant. Honorably Discharged.Mid 1990’s
Systems Engineer – 1 ½ years:
· Got job at small company after lying about “extensive, but top-secret” computer experience in military. Sent to big companies to fix servers and setup networks. Turned into programmer after mentioning the acronym “SQL” in a meeting. Starting hacking Access applications. Quit after fellow worker acted like a know-it-all geek while insulting my programming skills.
Independent Consultant – 6 months:
· Made a good living hacking Access programs for small businesses while I went to night school. Earned Bachelor’s Degree after 13 Years.
Permanent Employee – 1 Year:
· Programmer at Big-Fucking-Real-Estate-Company. Worked on legacy migration project that was three years behind schedule.
· Learned that contractors make better money and corporate work sucks. Became good at hacking, messing things up, and acting like I knew it all. In short, being a typical FTE.
Independent Visual Basic Programmer – 3 years:
· Recruited out of Big-Fucking-Real-Estate-Company to help another contractor/drinking buddy write Visual Basic program for client he found on CompuServe. Worked out of house, writing bad VB code and over-billing client.
Contract Programmer – 9 months:
· Placed at Giant-Fortune500-Company. Tasked with writing VB reporting application. When asked by FTE if I would use a “class” to accomplish some of the program functionality, responded by saying “sure, I can give you a class on programming VB.” As a Visual Basic programmer, realized I knew nothing about real programming.
· Spent entire length of contract teaching myself the basics of Object-Oriented Programming while working unsupervised for clueless project manager (AKA, ‘My Boss’). Left when Giant-Fortune500-Company underwent massive reorg and FTEs who had been programming at company for years started begging me for leads or side-work.
Independent Web Developer – 3 months:
Contract Web Developer – 6 Months:
· Hired to build e-commerce web site for restaurant delivery company that was probably funded by the mob. Learned n-tier development and COM+. Contract terminated after company refused to pay more than the $30,000 that they were told the site would cost and bigshot consulting company got stiffed for $50,000.
· Spent 3-months trying to get last timesheet signed by bigshot consulting company, and eventually redirected their web site to nasty bestiality/tranny website. Received last pay check within hours.
Contract Web Developer – 1 Month:
· Placed at Big I.T. Consulting Company to work on web site. Told to screen H-1Bs programmers and then train them after they were hired.
· Ignored demands to use company standard components and wrote my own code, stating that “error handlers aren’t really necessary if the code is good.” Terminated with half-day notice by team lead (AKA, ‘My Boss’) who said “we need some heavy hitters here [like our permanent employees]”
· Vowed personally to never get fired for being a bad coder, especially one that could be replaced by an H-1B or an FTE.
· Went back to take to school and spent thousands on extension classes, seminars, and books to learn .NET.
Early 2000’s to Mid 2000’s
Contract Web Developer – 1 ½ years:
· ASP and Visual Basic Programmer for Huge-Payroll-Outsourcing-Company. Joined team of 12 developers, with half being FTEs who were COBOL programmers being retrained to be Web Developers. Wrote massive amounts of code while FTEs sat around, took long lunches, and tried to deny access to databases.
· Engaged in verbal altercation with Vietnamese contractor who sent email to team and all bosses calling me an “idiot.” Contractor eventually laid off by my project manager and fellow drinking buddy (AKA, ‘My Boss’).
· Watched as aforementioned FTEs were escorted out of building by security during layoff.
· Offered full-time position by sharp middle-aged white manager, who was fired the next day.
· Last one of team of 12 to be laid off as project was turned over to Indian off-shore company (Infosys).
Contract Programmer – 8 months:
· Forced to take a job at Big-Ass-Food-Conglomerate during bad economy. Sat in training room for one month doing nothing. Told to write dynamic SQL, Visual Basic, and listen to nasty FTE mainframe programming lady (a fat Serbian Nazi Jew Hater) with bad breath explain legacy system to me.
· Moved to different floor, doing little while project stalled. Watched as team of Indian (maybe Pakistani) offshore consultants botched SAP migration and had communal lunches of stinky food.
· Had verbal altercation with incompetent Indian female programmer who was hired by her Indian husband, the head of applications development (AKA, ‘My Boss’).
· Reassigned to work “Operations” in windowless room with six other programmers, mostly Indians. Offended another female Indian programmer when stating that India is the only developed country that still has the plague, and that you can get your dental work done on the street for very little money.
· Left to take first job that would get me out of curry-smelling, windowless programming dungeon.
Contract To Hire Programmer – 1 Year:
· Hired by Big HMO to develop Visual Basic applications. Told it was a 3-month contract, but did nothing for three months. Spent time reading confidential mental health records in claims database and searching for names of people I knew that may be suffering from homicidal tendencies.
· May or may not have saved some private claims information to a thumb drive in case it would prove useful in the future.
· Accepted position with pathetically low salary because the economy sucked, and I liked the manager, a big black guy (AKA, ‘My Boss’) from back East who used to work for EDS.
· Finished projects in weeks that were budgeted for months by fascist PMO in love with waterfall model and RUP. Watched as long time FTEs bullied and harassed various other FTEs.
· Given .NET project by boss and lunch mate, infuriating team of long-time FTEs stuck with maintaining legacy systems in obsolete languages.
· Convinced boss to bring in hot-shot Microsoft evangelist and .NET consultant to teach me ASP.NET and VB.NET. Completed .NET application while being sabotaged and badmouthed by cliquish, incompetent team of developers, analysts, and project managers.
· Reassigned to another project. Got into verbal altercation with nerdish team lead who sent email to team and management that expressed his view that I was “stupid and uncreative.”
· Quit after being unable to get lateral move out of claims division.
Permanent Employee, Web Developer – 1 ½ years
· Left Big HMO to work for ultra-cool “Web-Design Firm.” First big project was working on web sites for Giant-Computer-Company. Developed serious carpal-syndrome issues after working 16-hours days with manic-depressive account executive bitch screaming in my face.
· Spent Thanksgiving holiday working on web site for equine-faced motivational speaker client who “had to get the new site up by Christmas so that he could sell videos and colon-cleansers.”
· Left company Christmas party early after watching head account executive rub junior account executive’s crotch. Came in next day to finish shopping cart for equine-faced motivational speaker’s site. Alone.
· Spent a month cleaning up hacks after equine-faced motivational speaker’s company delayed the launch of site because “it wasn’t like Amazon.” Got into verbal altercation with junior account executive because of scope-creep.
· Worked on massive data exchange project for Giant-Computer-Company with no specs and tiny budget. Posted 5,000 lines of code written by fellow employee (AKA ‘My Boss’) in my cube with the heading “Worst Code Ever Written.”
· Secretly bought $7,000 of software with own credit card and deployed it Giant-Computer-Company’s web site so that I could get the job done.
· Called Senior Account Executive the “C-Word” and prepared to quit. Fired the next day, ensuring one month’s severance and reimbursement of my $7,000 after threatening legal action.
Permanent Employee, Applications Developer – 1 week
· Hired by Small-Medical-Claims-Clearing-House-Company because senior developer “was not happy.”
· Witnessed HIPAA violations, bootlegged software, and high school students dealing with confidential medical data. Observed numerous “Boy-Toys” prancing around office.
· Fired by gay owner (AKA, ‘My Boss’) because senior developer decided to stick around.
· Reported company to every agency known to man dealing with software piracy and medical confidentiality. Posted numerous derogatory statements about company on internet.
· Received phone call and threatened by gay owner of Small-Medical-Claims-Clearing-House-Company that I “would be sued for millions of dollars.” Suggested to gay owner of Small-Medical-Claims-Clearing-House-Company to insert his own penis into his own alimentary canal.
Permanent Employee, Director, Applications Development – 6 weeks
· Hired to lead team of four, maybe five, or as few as two developers for quizi-government heath-care agency. Stabilized web sites, re-wrote code, and engaged in verbal altercations with Vietnamese programmer (AKA, ‘Charlie’) who was sabotaging my efforts.
· Threatened to report Director of Applications Development (AKA, ‘My Boss’) for lax security of the agency web site and letting ‘Charlie’ do whatever he wanted. Fired the next day, along with ‘Charlie.’
Independent Contractor – 3 Weeks
· Hired by fly-by-night consulting company to get web site finished. Forced to work on Pentium III computer that was at least 15 years old. Demanded new equipment and dealt with abusive project manager (AKA, ‘My Boss’) while learning C#.
· Finished web site and walked into bosses office and quit.
Contract Programmer – 3 Months
· Placed by agency at Giant-Japanese-Tech-Company. Assigned to finish time-tracking application that was almost finished. Spent duration of contract blogging, learning C# more, and answering questions on Experts-Exchange.Com.
· One of four Anglos on a floor of hundreds of Indians, Japanese, Vietnamese, and Chinese. Explored origins of Aryan Brotherhood prison gang while surfing the Net constantly.
· Achieved Guru status on Experts-Exchange.Com for answering hundreds of questions while billing full-time for Giant-Japanese-Tech-Company and doing nothing for Mr. Nguyen (AKA, ‘My Boss’), who reported to Mr. Nguyen, who had no less than six direct reports with the last name of “Nguyen.”
Contract Programmer – 6 Months
· Placed by agency to work for soon-to-be-defunct dot-com company. Told to write two-file extracts in six months and was done in six weeks.
· Learned more .Net on dot-com company’s dime while spending at least one hour a day engaging in verbal altercations about politics with rabid liberal gay contractor in the next cube and dealing with obnoxious Indian programmer that would stand over my shoulder, commenting on my code in a thick, curry-scented accent.
· Met all deadlines, wrote code that passed peer-review and was deployed to production, while being verbally harassed by female DBA suffering from menopause or PTSD.
· Offered full time job by highly respected manager (AKA, ‘My Boss’) and declined. Told by manager (Navy Vet, EOD) to let HR know in my exit interview that previously mentioned DBA was a “fucking cunt” and that he could not retain good people with her around.
Contract Programmer – 1 year
· Placed by agency to work on web site remotely for company based in another state. Waded through tons of hacks, stabilized site, and delivered solid enhancements and new applications without specs (unless ‘build an accounting system’ can be called a ‘spec’).
· Worked 10 hours/wk while billing for 40 hours/wk for 14 months for team that I had never met in person. Engaged in numerous side-projects, spent time at the gym, took my daughter work everyday and rode my bike consistently while meeting all deadlines and deliverables.
· Terminated after getting into verbal altercation with alcoholic, chain-smoking bimbo (AKA, “My Boss”) in weekly conference call over the fact that it was not my fault that her nebulous demands and random complaints did not constitute “project management.”
Independent Web Consultant – 3 Months
· Created new web site for bankrupt dot-com that offered to share office space so that I could work on side projects for my out-of-state client.
· Racked up $6,000 of billable hours while launching new site for corrupt dot-com. Fired after verbally altercation with CFO, who refused to pay for work done.
· Shut down site via numerous back-doors after CFO tried to turn over development to another firm, stating that “I would get my money like all the other vendors” who were owed $250,000.
· Sent hostile email to dot-com shareholders, threatening to mass-email 35,000 subscribers of web-site, asking for donations for my unpaid work.
· Engaged in verbal altercation with company’s lawyer, and received full payment via Fed-Ex the next day after signing non-disclosure agreement.
Consultant – 6 Months or so until I get fired
· Hired by consultant/drinking-buddy/poker-pal/long-time mentor to help his client (AKA, “My Boss”) -- whom had I known for over 10 years, and was my manager at aforementioned ‘Big-Fucking-Real-Estate-Company’.
· Directed to “keep things running until said manager (AKA, “My Boss”) could shit-can primadona 27-yr old programmer who may or may not quit any day.”
· Dealt with gang of passive-aggressive snakes (AKA, “My Team”) while trying to keep multiple web-sites from crashing. Daily.
· Almost fired for locking inept Persian bimbo developer out of SourceSafe after she returned from maternity leave and started removing my code that had resolved major production bug.
· Almost fired again for walking out during major production release when previously mentioned gang of passive-aggressive snakes (AKA, “My Team”) tried to blame deploy problems on my web code.
· Engaged in verbal altercation with most-likely-gay DBA who told manager (AKA, “My Boss”) that everything wrong with the release was my fault. Sent home for the rest of the week by manager.
· Retained until further notice by manager -- whom I had known for over ten years -- (AKA, “My Boss”) after verbal warning and pleas not to “piss off the team” and assurance that I would be around until I found another contract or the end of the month, whichever comes first. Shook hands and gave manager (AKA, “My Boss”) the “don’t every try to fuck me again” look.
· Resumed development, declined invitation to sushi lunch with passive-aggressive snakes (AKA, “My Team”), updated resume and began interviewing for next gig.